2. It’s All In My Head

Why did I pick now to start writing again? I’ve been contemplating this for months. It seems absurd to return to writing when I have a full time job, am studying French and training for a yet to be determined summer adventure.

But writing, or any creative endeavor, is like that. It burrows in, wiggles around, creating an itch you must scratch.

An uncommon itch, as I learned several months ago.

I write in my head all the time.

Really? Tell me more.

Yes. It’s how I work out how I feel about something or process what is happening in the world. It’s as if I’m writing a blog post. I’m writing to explain what I think or feel to someone else. Don’t others do that?

No. No, they don’t.

Hmmmm.

So went the conversation with my therapist and why, after months of writing in my head about returning to public writing, I’m writing again.

I do so with apprehension. I’m concerned I will fail.

Failure. What does that even mean? In this case, failure looks like many things but foremost it is being inconsistent.

Consistency has been drilled into me as the key to success. Write every day. Track your calories every day. Move your body every day. Make your bed every day. Brush your teeth everyday. Miss a day and you’ll be a bedridden loser with no teeth. In which case you don’t have to worry about making your bed.

Consistency feels like too steep a mountain for this moment in my life. A moment when I am really happy with the easy rhythm of things. The only thing I want to consistently commit to is getting out of bed every day and even that goal is on shaky ground.

Yet I feel the need to make a commitment to my possible readers. Here is my commitment to you: I will write as often as possible, and only when moved to share thoughts I think you will find valuable.

This decision to write again, with no purpose other than to scratch the itch, feels like a turning point. Unlike previous writing endeavors, I’m not writing to market myself, gain followers or influence anyone. If no one reads it, so be it. It’s a freeing decision. I am no longer tied to hours of designing a platform, taking the perfect photo, creating fancy graphics or tracking analytics. This time it is just about writing.

All of this begs a few questions. Why write in a public forum? Why not keep a journal and keep these thoughts to myself? Journaling seems too self-absorbed and navel-gazing for me. I say this with no judgment toward journal keepers. I wish I was you. I’m not.

I find an excitement in shaping thoughts and words to share with others. By writing to and for you, I imagine I create a connection to humanity I wouldn’t create by journaling. But that connection could be all in my head.

What can you expect from this space? I hope realness, occasional humor, a rant or two or many, and a view into the world of someone who wanders — sometimes aimlessly, more often with imagined purpose — through the turning points life delivers. You’ll also find an occasional recipe, travel log or adventure story. I promise nothing grander than that. Should I deliver, than I will have succeeded. Of course, it could all be in my head.